Best advice for achieving an amicable divorce

Is there such a thing as an amicable divorce? On TV and in movies, divorce and separation are always blown up to be turbulent, dramatic events. They go on forever, and there’s fighting, resentment, and sometimes a custody battle for good measure.

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Sometimes the couple tries to work it out together, but soon enough they fall out and it becomes an all-out war. And, of course, there are relationships in real life that end with at least one-half of the couple hating the other. But they don’t all end that way. Sometimes you just realise that you’ve drifted, that you’re not in love anymore, even if you still like each other. If you want your divorce to be amicable and even for the both of you to stay in touch, it is possible.

Deal with Your Personal Emotions

 You came together as a couple, married to become one officially and spent your time together, and now you’d like to divorce as a couple. But if you want to be able to remain on good terms with each other, you need to deal with your emotions independently. You should also have frank discussions with each other, but in order for you to talk openly with your ex, you need to get to grips with your own feelings first. Some of the things you might be struggling with include sadness, anger, resentment or a lack of self-esteem. If you’re finding it hard to work through your emotions alone, seeing a counsellor can help.

 Be Prepared for Snags

 Even when you have the best intentions to stay friendly throughout the divorce, you can come up against disagreements. You should be ready for these, so they don’t take you by surprise. Just because you want to stay friends or at least not become enemies, it doesn’t mean you’ll agree on everything. The grand art of compromise will definitely come in useful, just as long as it isn’t always one side doing all the compromising.

 Consider the Role of Lawyers

 If you want to stay on good terms, you might decide you don’t want to battle it out in court. Although having a lawyer represent each of you can help you look after your own interests, it’s not for everyone. Some couples choose to share an attorney while others prefer to settle without a using a lawyer. An alternative is using a mediator from services like Out-Of-Court Solutions, who will help you negotiate the terms of your separation. You will both have the opportunity to speak your mind and say what you want from the divorce.

Handle Asset Division Carefully

 Dividing your assets can bring up a lot of negative feelings, so it’s something you need to approach with care. Try not to be too attached to material things if it’s only going to cause resentment. There may be some occasions when you would rather let your soon-to-be-ex have what they want than to sour your relationship over something that you can replace. But don’t let them walk all over you either. Try to work together to decide who gets what to make it fair and balanced.

It won’t necessarily be easy trying to split amicably or stay friends, but two mature and loving adults can do it. If there are children involved, it’s even more important that you try to rise above your negative emotions.

Forgiveness is not the misguided act of condoning irresponsible, hurtful behavior. Nor is it a superficial turning of the other cheek that leaves us feeling victimized and martyred. Rather it is the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past.~ Joan Borysenko

Now it’s time for your say

Anyone who has gone through the divorce process knows how painful and stressful it can be, but staying in an unhappy relationship is no better. We would love to hear how you have managed to revitalise your marriage, or how you navigated your divorce. Please share the best tips you were given, and the ones that you tried that did not work out so well.

As always, your interaction with our posts creates a reservoir of wisdom for all our readers to benefit from so please share your thoughts, stories and questions in the comments box below and remember to tweet, like and +1 ~ thanks.

Additional Resources
The Myth of the Amicable Divorce
The Divorce Remedy: a guide for revitalising marriage and building stronger, more loving bonds